What I meant to say was, it doesn't matter.

No, wait, that's not what I meant to say.

zarabee: I tested it out last month. I said to deborahb "I'm not sure I'm a writer, anymore". She said the sort of thing that only Deb can, and I didn't feel any pain, or regret, or angst. Just ... Yeah.

What I meant to say was, it only matters if it's important to you. Wait, does that sound harsh? Does that sound like I'm abandoning you to your fate?

What I meant to say was, it's important to me if it's important to you, except that sounds hokey, & is not at all what I meant to say.

I meant to say: you're right. You're on a good track. You're in a good place, but you're probably not, or maybe it might not seem that way to you, & anyway, is it patronising of me to say that?

You said something like
"Is that working for you? ... Good for you, Baxter!"

Oh, good, that explains it.

Because what I meant to say was, 'If that's working for you, good. If that's what it takes, stick with it. You do whatever it is you have to do.' That's what I meant to say.

Because some of the worst people I know call themselves writers, & it doesn't make a stick of difference to how boring/nuts/deluded/self-righteous/smug/antagonistic they are. And it doesn't make a stick of difference to their writing.

And some of the best writers I know have struggled with writing. They've also struggled with those idiot-rules, like 'write every day' and 'write a thousand words a day' and 'you have to write novels if you're a serious writer' and you know what?

If any of those processes work for you, hold onto 'em. If writing a thousand words a day, every day, works, do it & don't think about it. But if it doesn't work, run. Run from that & from anything else that has 'have to' in its beginning/middle/end.

And some of the best writers I know have struggled not just with writing, not just with rules, but with 'being a writer'. Being. A. Writer. The only time I've ever spent not-writing & losing-faith have been when I've tried to Be. A. Writer. All my energy & angst went into trying to work out how to Be. A. Writer. I looked around at all the models of writers I saw & knew, & I didn't recognise myself in any of them. I was new & green & worried. I was not writing a thousand words a day, nor was I turning out a gem each two years that was being lauded by WFA judges or Hugo boards or anything like it. I counted up my published stories & there weren't that many (I think it was 'one') & I didn't feel any better than I had when I'd had no stories published & I knew then that the whole 'published writer' gig hadn't changed the world, not even my world, not even my mood for more than a week. I wanted the label to work so I didn't have to look at myself. But someone said to me, 'What would you be if you weren't a writer.'

I said, 'I guess I'd just be human', kinda spat it out. Sneered, if I remember right. Hated the idea. Just human, just like everybody else. Just the biggest challenge I've ever faced, being human, trying to understand what 'everybody else' was really like. Trying to fake it. Faking writing is easier than faking human, & I've tried both. Maybe I'm still faking. It doesn't matter to what I'm trying to do, so I don't think about it much. I'm too busy with the 'doing'.

So I chucked in the towel. I gave up. I stopped being a writer. Who cared? At the end of it all I would still be human, with it's big fat 'so what' sticker stuck across its big fat face. So freaking what.

I wrote, then, because I was no longer anything more than human & I had a lot I wanted to say about that. I wrote because I no longer had anything to prove. It was all over for me. What a goddamn relief. The energy I'd accidentally surrendered to my struggle with Being. A. Writer. found a new channel. Living. Also, writing. Funny that. Whatever works, that's what I meant to say. Whatever works. So, maybe (and this isn't a prescription, just a suggestion) ask yourself, 'If I'm not a writer, what am I?' Maybe you'll hate the answer, too, maybe not. Hell, it's your journey. It's not the answer so much as how you come to terms with it. It's the process that's important. It's all in the process.

Which brings me to the place I'm in, for what it's worth, & you can ignore this or not. It's up to you, & what's important to me is that you find your own path & your own struggles & your own meaning. 'Cos *that's* the stuff that's gonna make your writing worthwhile, whether you end up Being. A. Writer. or not. 'Cos *that's* the stuff that's gonna make you a worthwhile human being, despite the fact worthiness or worthfulness or whatever-you-want will not *necessarily* make your writing better (though it just might). I am still childish and wrathful enough that I wish good people made good writers and good writers were always good people, but it ain't that simple & I'll make my peace with that one day. In the meantime, if your writing can come out of who you are & who you're trying to be as a human being, then you're on the same path as me. And if that path works for you, then hold to it hard for as long as it works. But if it doesn't work, or it stops working, then you know what you have to do.

Run.